Duracell

My peers are delighted on the arrival of Shahbaz Sharif to Lahore for the distribution of laptops to "worthy scholars". Although I am also getting one I am completely unenthusiastic about it because summer has just pressed the bell. Laptop is a machine which runs neither on cells nor on oxygen (which we still have, FORTUNATELY). It runs and operates on electricity. Yes, electricity! Which fears summer so much that if someone luckily espies it in human form, it'll appear with pupils dilated and dried poop sticking to its mouth. Scary summers.

I leave home every day at 9am when light goes out and return at 2pm. Nothing changes; no cleaning of house, no food ready and dirty dishes still begging for a wash. I am sorry you have guessed it wrong, we do have a Kaam wali maasi but  there is no electricity before 2:30-3:00 pm and electricity and water are Siamese two inseparable twins, so when one goes out its other's moral and relational obligation to go missing. Unluckily for me, she isn't Gillani's or Zardari's family otherwise I wouldn't have any electricity issues. Imagine how it feels looking again at the mess u left in the morning, how it feels to know with a growling stomach that the lunch couldn't be prepared because there's no water, how it feels to realize that even being the privileged doesn't help you. I am an educated grown up so I unwillingly wait and exhibit patience to the best of my ability but I pity and empathize with all those innocent kids returning home who can neither eat nor wait while their helpless mothers try to assure them that they'll be cooking something in a minute. Poor mothers do not realize that they are already cooking excuses.

At this moment of epiphany, Government's salient motives have unveiled themselves. First, it wants all mothers to start getting up 3am in the morning and cook everything so that lunch could be done on time. And if it's still dark, quit sleep and look to seize the right moment. Secondly, as a summer gift, the government wants us to spend our upcoming 4 months in university because university has its own power plant. It also wants the infants and little kids of the destitute and lower class to sleep nude, walk nude and if possible, talk nude. Perhaps the government also wants to glorify itself in the Hereafter by proudly declaring that it made 18 crore people FAST 365 days a year by hiking the prices so much that every eatable becomes a desire to be fulfilled. It seems that Government aspires to see every Pakistani to either enjoy being a pedestrian or travel by car because if you're on bike, it won't matter then whether you stand on the right side of the road or the left side, whether basheer are wearing a helmet or Shakoor, what must matter then is that YOU are on bike. It's tantamount to trampling Tommy's tail, your neighbour's irascible dog.
  

Well in this case I definitely need to inform our Government that it’s the ministers and the officials who are always sleeping. Wake THEM up, not the mothers. Every woman is not an insomniac.

I need to tell the Government that empty sanitation and sewerage pipes are good at nothing; we need water to run through them not air because air cannot clean dishes, human bodies, floors and clothes. Did I mention shit??

I want to tell the government that we now dread the university because it's long neglected angry and dilapidated walls have become cruel. They can crush u at will as a reminder to higher officials that they need repair. Not only Achu at canteen, insentient structures need money too.

I want to tell the government that Banana leaf is firstly very difficult to find, secondly, out of fashion and thirdly, impossible to carry gracefully and purposefully. Letting our children roam nude is not an option, can you even imagine how demolishing it would be for their self-esteem to hear someone say that "he is the one who never wore a diaper". Therefore, please lower the prices of garments including the baby diaper and a normal UW which, at present cost about Rs. 30 and Rs. 80 respectively. We can afford it but proletariat cannot.

I want to tell the government that you won't be glorified in the Hereafter for what your doing, you will instead be hurled in front of the same 18 crore people who would spank and whip your filthy arse so flamboyantly and so craftily that it would carry the stripes and stars of USA, a country you wallow at the feet of. Apart from the Holy month of Ramadan, fasting is an act of volition.

I want to tell the government that it's just impalatable to "walk" to your destination always . Keeping a car is also not possible for everyone; so we have to mount a motorbike to fulfill our errands. Riding a bike is not a transgression; it doesn’t make the rider a pariah. It would be a laudable step to stop the traffic constables from handing out traffic violation tickets to every bike rider. If they are not differentiating between basheer and shakoor they can at least spare those who are in Superman's outfit.

Oh well! Where was I? Yes, water and electricity. I just want the government to provide me water (not in bottles of nestle and kinley) so that I could have lunch on time and attend nature's call on time without the fear of u know what. Also, to either provide me electricity so that I could use the laptop it's awarding me or make it work on Duracell because "when you're facing a massive test of endurance, one by one ordinary carbon batteries fall victims to exhaustion but Duracell goes exactly where it belongs, ON TOP!! Duracell lasts longer, MUCH LONGER".