Ali Bhaees

Every co-ed institute has a multitude of characters. There are book worms, there are movie buffs, there are wrestling aficionados, there are drug addicts, there are electronic gadgets freaks, and there are automobile lovers to mention a few. But among these easily recognized figures is a class which is not so popular. Not so because they come to this co-ed environment for the 1^st time and tend to be a wee bit shy to conduct themselves. People of this class can be from a small town or city or from a boys' school/college. I call them "Ali Bhaees".

Although an Ali Bhai is reluctant to mingle with girls he does bring with himself a lot of pleasant fantasies, desires associated with the feminine breed and a thirst waiting to be quenched. It's in their blood just like everyone else, to follow the right path and succeed. The right path has a different meaning though. 5 important steps they take to put themselves on the right path are as follows:

1)      Seeking a girl's attention: 

To all Ali Bhaees, getting a girl's attention is as important as catching the hen with the golden egg when you are in a hen coop enclosing hundreds of them. Whether it's donning a red baggy trouser, coming in a half-sleeved pink t-shirt in December, a desperate attempt at generating a hysterical laughter on a petty joke (PJ) or broadcasting their dry humor, Ali Bhai's intention is to seek attention. Just like a miffed, emotionally wounded kid laying prone on the floor after his mom refused to buy him an original Nike and unleashing his tantrums, Ali Bhaees too don’t seem to worry even a shred about how irritating, ridiculous and sometimes cheap they look in an attempt to let everyone know that they do not like going unnoticed.  But who likes to miss the opportunity to put himself on the right track??

 2)      Making the dame smile/laugh:

The next important thing after shamelessly yet successfully grabbing the attention of a girl is to make her smile. And if an Ali Bhai manages to see a set of teeth that’s even better because when a girl smiles or laughs on his efforts (however genuine or below the belt they are) it's Nirvana for him. Big word, I know. Some chronic losers simply assume that THEY are the reason for a girl's smile mercilessly overlooking the fact she did so on another girl who looked horrible in red nail paint.

      P.S: seeing their teeth while they are standing in girl's washroom in front of the mirror ensuring no food particle is stuck or when they yawn during lectures not covering their mouths in a disgusting sight does not bring Nirvana to any Ali Bhai.  

3)      Lending a helping hand to them:

This certainly is believed by Ali Bhaees to be the most potent weapon in their arsenal. It gives immense joy and strong hope to an Ali Bhai when Shakeela calls out her friend Rukhsana for help and he jumps in like batman to do the honours. Floating an offer to a colleague or a friend to do his/her assignment is still a rational thing but Ali Bhaees authoritatively declare that THEY will do Shakeela's assignments providing her ample time to concoct gossips. Girls will never understand that doing so improves the blood circulation, tones up the muscles, refreshes the mind and raises the vitamin content of his body like no Energy drink or tablet on earth can. It doesn't matter whether an Ali Bhai  can actually fulfill the task and help her or not, he mandatorily has to jump in and say "well I can do that for you". Some Ali Bhaees are so steadfast in helping girls that even when they say they feel nauseated and might vomit these obedient creatures repeat the "well I can do that for you" phrase.

4)      Making an effort to exhibit their knowledge:

This is the easiest part of their job. All they have to do is to keep a tab on the girls. The moment they see any girl or a clique coming their way or sitting close they switch to the intellectual mode talking about the political imbroglio, America's true motive behind everything or how philosophy governs one's life because for majority of the girls these are the darker sides; these do not give instructions on "how to get a cheap pedicure" or any updates on the "latest lawn prints".

All Ali bhaees don't necessarily have a sound knowhow, many talk too shallow like just repeating what sheikh rasheed said in a recent talk show about our foreign policy or telling a friend that 206 bones constitute a human body. Now that’s some info!  

5)      Pretending to be happy go lucky:

To pretend that you are a cool, fun-loving guy comes next for an Ali Bhai  in the journey of success. Every time a girl will tell him that he should button his blue jeans with yellow embroidery below the navel so that nobody gets a chance to ridicule him, he replies "I don't care about people, they are only people". Every time a girl will mock him saying he's so slim that he looks like timon (from Lion King) followed by "I am just kidding, I am sure you didn't mind", Ali Bhai  would smilingly say "Oh no, not at all, why would I?? In fact I like your sense of humor".

Truth is that he gets hurt. Truth is that after getting the 1^st compliment Ali Bhai wants to tell the girl that her moustache and hairy arms look disgusting. It's time for waxing so that nobody gets a chance to ridicule her. Truth is that after being called timon he wants to beat the sh*t of the girl, give her bruises, shave her head off and then say "You look like a victim of domestic violence whose head got shaved off. Oh I am just kidding, I am sure you didn't mind". However, doing this would derail him from the right path so all he does is "try" to be happy go lucky.

I want to tell all Ali Bhaees reading this that doing all this makes you look stupid and desperate (which you actually are to be honest). Being desperate is a normal thing but what's important is to keep it covert and not make it public. It's clearly not a politic thing to give these girls the leverage to control you. Stop carrying a rainbow with you in the form of clothes. Cracking stupid jokes all around the clock is not required, quality of the joke matters, not the quantity. Do help, its encouraged but do not tend to be officious or slavish towards fulfilling a girl's desires. No human has ever been able to comprehend a girl fully, so stop running after them and striving to make them happy; a happy woman s a myth. When someone pillories you, it's alright to vent your emotions and sometimes remind the other person of his/her limits. These are the things you'll mostly laugh at and sometimes regret not doing because they make you lose your ethos, your real being. Act as you are and if you lack something or need help, ask for it; do not keep hiding. Most importantly, enjoy life and not make it difficult for yourself.

NOTE: Writer is fully aware of the fact that every person who comes to a co-ed environ for the 1st time is not an Ali Bhai. Some already possess the smartness, confidence and the wit to get going just the writer himself.